When I was asked to put my thoughts about codependency down on paper, I decided to take out a piece of paper and write down the words or phrases that came to mind and then proceed from there. What I came up with was one word that describes codependency and encompasses numerous symptoms. That word is “waiting”. During the past several years, I have sat with hundreds of people who have this condition or disease called codependency. All of them have been “waiting”. Waiting for Mom or Dad to stop drinking, waiting for her to start being the mother I want, waiting for Dad to come home, waiting for the fun to start, waiting for the bad times to end, or waiting for someone or “something” to take me away from all of this.

And then more waiting, waiting for the right time to talk, waiting for him to start listening, waiting for her to love me, waiting for the kids to grow up. Waiting for more money to come my way or waiting for life to begin. And then more waiting, waiting for him to admit that he is wrong, waiting for my divorce, waiting for the right person for me, or waiting for “things” to be different.

People have often asked me, “How do you know when or if someone is getting less codependent?” I usually answer this question with more questions.

What are you waiting for?’ “Who are you waiting for?” “Are you still waiting?” People with codependency issues often find themselves holding their breath. These individuals do actually have good times but will often admit that they catch themselves holding their breath “waiting” for the bad times to sneak up on them.

Now for the good news. Codependency can be put into remission just like alcohol dependency can be put into remission. Usually people need to get involved with some type of counseling. Group treatment is often very effective. Regular attendance at one of the 12 step recovery meetings has proven to be extremely beneficial. And just like other dependencies, some individuals get well faster than others. And some individuals don’t get well.

I see codependency as a progressive, chronic condition/disease having stages similar to the stages of other addictions or dependencies; early, middle and late stage. What I have seen happen is the earlier that people seek treatment the better chance they have of getting well. I personally have had the privilege of knowing many recovering codependent people. Recovery is possible.

Reprinted from winter 1993

MCCASA Reports